I was a young 24-year-old who got into a relationship and moved to Colorado in 2013. At the time I thought it was great and I was happy.....
Fast forward to 2019, 6 years later and my mental health PLUMMETTED. It was the lowest it had ever been and I was legit scared for my life. June of 2019 was when I knew I needed help and I needed help FAST. The first couple weeks of June was when it started, my mental health was so low that I wanted to drive off the road and die because I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to live anymore. I called my doctor ASAP and told her "I need help". Those three words were huge for me to say and scary to say, but I asked for help because I needed help . I got put on medication to help and it started to help after a bit, thankfully. I went to Branson, MO to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary a week later and it filled my soul with what I needed and it helped for the time being. The following weekend I had traveled back home to Iowa for a wedding I was photographing and that also helped my mental health.
Fast forward to August, just two months later. My mental health got worse, and so much worse at that. The suicidal ideations started again, I would search my house for a razor blade, grab a knife from the drawer, anything to help make me feel a little bit better at that moment. I would call my best friend and my mom in tears because I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to feel numb, I wanted to just feel better and I couldn't. One night while I was editing and working on photography stuff, I called the National Suicide Hotline, that was the first time I had called them. I was scared, I felt alone, I just knew that I had to call them. After talking to them I felt a little better and I felt safe for the night. I had told a couple of my friends I had called and they kept checking in on me hourly to ask how I was doing. (So incredibly thankful for them, you know who you are)
Time went on, months passed by and my mental health was STILL suffering and terribly low. I was scared and I just didn't want to keep going. My best friend from back home came out to Colorado for a work trip in November and I met up with her for supper. Her words will always stick with me, "I am scared for you, I am scared that you won't make it another 6 months". I knew after that night I NEEDED to change something, I needed to do what I needed to do for ME. It was time I put myself first for once. So I did.
March of 2020, COVID-19 started. I worked in the nursing home (healthcare for 15 years), and it was added stress I didn't need but I kept pushing through. I am so thankful for an amazing boss who let me take some mental health days from work because I needed too, I was struggling, and I was hurting. I needed those days. During this time I knew my marriage was done and I needed to leave. I was mentally checked out and done by this time because of a lot of stuff I had gone through and how bad my mental health was from being in a toxic, abusive marriage. Emotional, verbal, mental abuse is still abuse and it happens more often then people think. I had to figure out a plan and I had to do it fast. My mental health kept getting worse and I needed to get moving on how to save ME. It was about me this time and it didn't matter who thought differently. I was the one that was suffering....alone. Things in my marriage got worse, and I knew I needed to get out for my the wellbeing of my mental health. A few months went by and I knew I needed to get a divorce. I was scared. I was going to be 31 years old and be divorced, but honestly the 7 years that I spent in Colorado was not good for me. I went to hell and back trying to survive and I didn't know If I was going to make it some days.
The first time I self-harmed was in July of 2020, the second and last time was August 2020. After that second time, I moved out and filed for divorce. I was starting to focus on me and take care of ME. I had too. If I had stayed any longer, I physically would not be here today, but I am here. Alive, healthy and happy! :)
I left Colorado November 9th, 2020 and moved back home. That was the new beginning to my life. My divorce was finalized December 31st, 2020. I was free at last.
Mental health is NO joke. Have a support system, talk to them. Get help and never stop advocating for yourself.
Self Portraits taken in April 2020 & August 2020.
